PAKISTAN DISASTER

The Pakistani Government has diverted thirty million pounds from the DEC appeal to the worst hit areas of the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa region in the north where they estimate to have tragically lost more than a thousand cricket pitches and all of their stumps.

The money has allowed the Pakinstani Government to airlift the majority of their Army into the area and buy sufficient new stumps, turf and sub soil to reinstate sixty pitches having paid the requisite bribes to the regional governors, the Police chiefs and grounds men.

Plans to build a super cricket bowl in the Sindh region were also given the go-ahead on Monday following the departure of the main opposition to the plans who appear to have swum away.

Reuters has also reported the arrest of seven grounds men who swam away from one pitch before putting linseed oil on the bats and locking them in the clubhouse. All bats have been reported as missing; the Treason trial begins next Wednesday.