SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE

Coming soon - all you need to know and what you can do to help the fine people of Scotland get their well deserved independence. 

Nicola Sturgeon, we salute you.

BRITISH PEOPLE ARE GUT BUCKETS

Professor Susan Jebb, the British Government’s chief fat bastard tsarina has finally published her paper on obesity, dieting and gut bucket syndrome within the general public.

Government statistics have been showing a steep rise in the number of people in England and Wales now officially classified as a number 9 on the Lardy Fatarse Scale and research has prompted the rush through parliament of a white paper making it illegal to serve food with anything other than water in a jug.

Professor Jebb told waiting reporters last night “half of you lot are fat bastards, get on a bike you lazy shits; and maybe you’ll be able to see your bollocks again – you disgust me you hutt jabbing gutter trash scum”.

David Cameron backed Professor Jebb by telling the reporters that they were all liars, cheats, criminals and stank of fags but there would be no retribution over the phone hacking thing as the people affected were insignificant members of the public and c list has beens.

picture:

https://wobblybloggy.wordpress.com/category/fat-people/

FORD PRISON

Four inmates at Ford Prison have complained to The Campaign to End Loneliness after twenty three more prisoners failed to return from a dental appointment at the end of April.

The Ministry of Justice admitted that it was surprised during a recent prison visit when they could only find twenty seven out of the expected five hundred and twenty one prisoners in residence but were happy with the Governor’s explanation that the other four hundred and ninety four were in the toilet.

A recent freedom of Information request by the Telegraph revealed that the food budget at Ford Prison has decreased over 2014 from £26’258.40 per month in January to £201.60 per month in May.

When challenged by the above budget amendments, staff at Ford put the decrease down to inmates eating more salads.

www.campaigntoendloneliness.org.uk

CLIFFORD CLARKE

Prosecutor Eric Lamb and Judge Mark Brown should be proud of their roles in the case of Clifford Clarke who had his arms effectively amputated and was eaten alive by an unfed dog in Liverpool.

A year in prison which will probably be cut to six months and then four for good behavior is the correct punishment for the dog’s owners Della Woods and Hayley Sulley – I mean Clifford was 79 so his life wasn’t really worth any more than that whereas they are both only 30 and have their whole lives ahead of them.

Della Woods and Hayley Sulley who are both a little bit responsible for Clifford Clarke’s death feel sorry after all – so that’s good and new laws are a bit harsher concerning slightly silly people that keep dangerous dogs and don’t feed them – so that’s good too.

British justice - be proud.

SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE

Scotland votes yes to independence and certain but removed failure from us and UKIP take us out of Europe – could things be any better than that?

Labour fucked it all up; the fat old snout in trough male establishment Conservatives and fence sitting, book stamping Liberal Democrats haven’t been able to put it back together again – it’s time for a big, new, exciting journey into the unknown – it couldn’t be much worse apart from going back to a Labour government.

UKIP don’t have the answers but we haven’t seen anything remarkable from the coalition so ignore that.

UKIP doesn’t have any experience – admittedly Labour and the Conservatives have decades of experience at fucking things up – ignorance is bliss – I’m up for the ride.

Sales into Europe would stall if we left the EU – why? – an Italian or German wanting to buy a mini wants quality and price – neither would be compromised by leaving the EU. Iceland and Norway don’t seem to have a problem selling into the EU and the Swiss watch and chocolate industries are still around and extremely healthy.

BMW would relocate mini if we came out of the EU – no they wouldn’t. Britain would become a safe house separate from the Euro shit infecting Greece, Spain etc – we would get more companies moving to Britain – not less.

We were lied to – we were told that the EU was effectively joining a common market. Instead, we’ve got the laws without the benefits and it costs us £50 million a day - £50 million to support and grow other countries nascent industries so they can grow to compete with ours.

NICK CLEGG

For those people in America reading this post (and quite a few do), the Liberal Democrat Party in Britain is a political movement supported by librarians, school teachers, that miserable bitch on the reception at your doctor’s surgery that has a seriously overblown opinion of her own importance and people who tick the ‘Don’t Know’ box on surveys.

I write to tell you this only because I reckon Nick Clegg (a bit like Al Gore but without the need to recount votes) is a good bloke – in fact, I think he’s the only non knob in the Liberal Democrat party. Regardless, I make a plea to the yellow folk of the British political world – keep on imploding – UKIP could do with your fickle, ephemeral support in 2015.

AMERICA IN SHOCK

America is in a state of shock this morning to learn that half of the people living in the United States were abducted when they were children by the other half of the people living in the United States.

DNA testing has revealed that only 12% of Americans are related to their parents and of these 52% will be living with an abductor by the time they’re nine years old.

Further testing has shown that contrary to popular belief, most Americans are actually Mexicans and the majority of their children are Mexican Lithuanians although they currently live with American Hispanics who believe that they are related to George Washington who was in fact adopted when he was five by a Scottish couple living in Georgia.

NO HOT ASHES

Am I allowed to put red hot ashes into my thin Reading Borough Council plastic trade waste sack?

Apparently I’m not according to the writing on the RBC sack. Why not? Is it because a thin cheap shitty plastic waste sack might melt resulting in my red hot ashes landing on my stupid Neanderthal feet?

This is natural selection – if you’re as thick as shit, feel free to put as much red hot ash into your thin plastic waste sacks as you want but remember you’ll need a good stash of them as you’ll be doing it quite a few times until your red hot molten plastic covered ashes become cold ashes.

Please protect me from myself RBC and feel free to patronise me – thank you.

EUROPEAN UNION

I never thought I’d actually look forward to voting! Being able to vote in the European elections gives me the opportunity to tell the two and a quarter main parties yet again that I resent them ignoring me about giving so much of my money to the EU whilst getting so little in return.

Britain's contributions to the European Union have topped £50 million a day for the first time, new figures revealed this week.

Figures released by the Office for National Statistics (ONS) show that the UK’s contributions to Brussels rose by 5.7 per cent last year to a record £18.5 billion – double the Home Office Budget.

Even when the Tories and Labour have no representation in Europe their unemployed MEPs will still be crying ‘protest vote’ – they have lost the ability to listen and it’s time to punish them.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2065462/Were-paying-50m-day-EU-Britains-contribution-Brussels-rises-18-5bn.html#ixzz31y6KwPze
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PLEASE CLOSE THE GATE

QUESTION 8

A very violent man robs thirteen building societies with a fake gun and smacks people about the head including old ladies. Because he smacks so many people about the head, he gains the nickname ‘Skull Cracker’.

Do you:-

1. Send him to a high security prison

2. Put him up in a Butlins for a few months

3. Send him to an open prison and allow him to walk off

British Justice - on the side of the criminal every time.