CHANGE 4 LIFE

The Cromwellian British Government (Cromwellian in that it’s headed by a misanthrope keen on making Britain ‘pleasure free’) is at it again so soon after the last health warning. Today – January Second, 2009 we’ve been hit with the “Change 4 Life” campaign.

According to our government, ninety percent of British kids will soon be morbidly obese prior to an early agonising lonely death in a fat orphanage after having been abandoned by their brethren and left destitute due to eating too much and not exercising and thus causing an embarrassment to their family elders, the British Isles and the civilised world (Darwin referred to this concept as Natural Selection).

When combined with the most recent announcement that we’re all about to blow our arteries through being sponges soaking up the copious amounts of salt and alcohol we’re consuming, it’s not looking too good for the tipsy tommy tubby but we all knew that and don’t pay our government to remind us; well I don’t anyway.

All NHS Hospitals became condiment free in 2008 with the Royal Berkshire Hospital in Reading being the first facility in the European Union to successfully prosecute a person caught in possession of a salt sachet. James Bartholomew Mainwaring prosecuting for the Crown called for the case to set a precedent and act as a deterrent to everyone caught up in the disgusting underworld of eating stuff from a take-away place.

The NHS has had no choice but to build shelters ten metres away from all public buildings for anybody still under the influence of sodium chloride or wishing to partake in the filthy habit.

The Royal Berkshire Hospital refurbished the staff canteen in 2008 removing all salt cellars, pepper pots, vinegar bottles, cutlery, chairs, cookers, walls and carpet replacing them with the stunning new ‘Tofu Bodybuilding Buffet Bar’ which is yet to see it’s first customer.

Maybe, just maybe, if Gordon Brown did something other than jerking his knees over the ‘not’ lending crisis; did something to stabilise fuel charging and price fluctuation; did something to remind middle England that he’s ever considered us, then we’d all stop getting pissed so much on three litre bottles of ‘Lightning Shite Industrial Cider’ whilst comfort eating eight Bacon Double Cheeseburgers with fries, each accompanied by a Marlboro Red and a 20mg diazepam.

On the above, I should add that I’ve never walked into a Burger King and bought a Bacon Double Cheeseburger mistakenly believing that the vendor is supplying me with a health snack containing my body’s RDA of everything.

I have occasionally chosen to eat fast foods which are no doubt loaded with trans fatty acids and I understand the risk. Like most people in Britain today, if I see anything telling me not to do something, especially from the government at the moment the inclination is always to do the opposite.