UNITS – THEY ALL ADD UP

All over the place there are hoardings and signs on bus shelters showing a pint of beer – two units of alcohol – they all add up; bottle of wine – seven units – they all add up; night out at the rugby club Christmas Dinner – fifty nine units – they all add up.

Before Christmas the government put out a message via spokespersons in radio, television and print media to remind us that salt is a stalking killer and at Christmas time we should be thinking of how much salt we’re eating with our dinner and how likely we are to suffer an agonising death through sodium chloride – reduce your salt and don’t risk gagging, going purple, spluttering and burying your bulging, dribbling face in your festive feast by having a stroke and major heart-attack on the happy day.

In Reading, Berkshire there’s a billboard with the message “Don’t baseball bat someone’s head more than a couple of times – it’s dangerous and could lead to a custodial sentence” (outside UK).

Knife figures in Britain are the best yet beating the amount in circulation in 1978 by shed loads.

The British Knife Manufacturers Guild spokesperson attributed much of their industry’s increased sales to the development of the phat rubber handled 30cm easy hide kitchen knife designed for the chef of today and available through Argos, Woolworths (if open), the Pound Shop, Sainsbury’s and Maplins Electronics (Maplins version has red LED which stays lit until all traces of blood have been removed from the blade.