COUNCIL LIST TO BE PUBLISHED

The British government is reviewing proposals to publish the list of best performing Social Services Departments within Britain’s Borough and County Councils.

Reddin Borough Council in the Midlands has moved into the top slot by only being responsible for the deaths of one hundred and thirteen people in 2008. Head of Child Support Services for the Council, Claire Bower told reporters: “the Child Team at Reddin had a great year, losing only seventy seven kids in our care and nine of those were blown up by their estranged father on a day’s trip to Chessington World of Adventures – the father came from another Borough so they didn’t really count”.

Second to Reddin Borough Council in the least incompetent league table came Stoneymoor Borough who unluckily lost five hundred and seventy two old people in 2008 when the eleven buses they were travelling in on a day out slipped into the sea in Torquay when their hand brakes failed after the drivers had gone for a tea break.

The judge ruled that to have this happen on one bus is unfortunate; to have it happen on eleven busses at the same time in the same place is clearly damn bad luck on the Council.

The Holistic Offender Organic Support Services Team at Stoneymoor were also deducted points for their funding of a Samurai Sword Skills Course for nineteen young offenders found guilty of carrying an illegal weapon with the intent to kill.

Joan O’Farc of the HOOSST Department commented “only by becoming one with a potentially dangerous samurai sword capable of decapitating a man with one swing whilst supplying them with as many and varied drugs available can a young offender seeking revenge or exercising psychotic tendencies to violently kill another man become accomplished at something in their lives; giving these people an attention to detail and appreciation of a weapon may ultimately result in the murder of some members of the public but none of the victims in our care would be hurt and it’s worth it”.

The judge questioned the need to triple the Methadone supply and give a baggie of brown to the course attendees but approved the award of additional benefits for learning a skill as part of the ‘Back to Work Program’ as Britain did not question which skill was being learnt or indeed which work was being sought – a young offender exercising psychotic tendencies to violently kill another man and capable of ending that life with one samurai blow as opposed to two baseball bat blows has learnt a skill and therefore is eligible for benefits – it’s right and it’s fair.

The scheme came into funding problems when the Parole Officers Union refused to supply anyone to deal with an offender released early due to having undertaken the course.

Clearly lessons will have to be learned. Something like this is now happening every other week in Britain; we’ve created a database of lessons that we’ll have to learn and until the next corpse of an old person or small child is discovered which should be in about four or five days based upon the UK’s past experience, we’ll log the problems and pay the Social Workers, remembering that lessons will have to be learned from this sometime.

Show us your poor, your weak and your needy and we’ll let bad people abuse, rob and murder them – Britain – you know it makes cents.